I Never Really Believed that God Loved Me

Mom’s a Christian. Dad is a Moslem. I didn’t grow up in the Church.

As a result, I didn’t know the stuff that church folk knew.

For example, all church folk seem to just know that God loves them. They don’t seem to question it. 

I, on the other hand, not so much. 

I’ve internally questioned God’s alleged love for me pretty much all my life. 

I say “internally” because it didn’t go well on the two occasions that I verbalized this doubt to Christians.

Do I still doubt God’s love for me? At this particular moment, no.

What changed? 
My child

What do I mean?
There are certain things about my relationship with my son that have radically transformed my view of God.

Let me give an example. 

When my son is ready to eat at night, he doesn’t scream. Most of the time, he simply wakes up and goes “Meh meh” and scuffles around in his bed. Then he just sits and waits for me to come feed him. 

Call me crazy but he seems to have this strange confidence that I’m always listening for him. And once he calls, I hear.

Could this be how God feels about me? Is He always listening for me? Can I be confident that when I call, God hears?

I’ll give another example. 

When my son needs something, he expresses his discontent in various ways. He might cry, rub his eyes, squeeze his face, or simply wiggle his butt (don’t ask).

Usually, when he shows these signs, I pick him up. And that’s when the magic happens. He suddenly goes calm. 

He goes calm, not because the problem is solved, but because he is – again – strangely confident that I can figure out what he needs. 

And not only that, he seems confident that I am willing, able, and happy to give it to him.

Could this possibly be how God feels about me? Can I be calm and confident that as long as I am in his arms, things will be okay?

Do I believe that having a child was required in order to come to these insights? 
No, I don’t.

Yet, the simple truth of the matter is that I am a very selfish person.

And to see the lengths I would go for my child baffles even me.

If I can have the capacity to love in this way, I can only imagine the love that God might have for me.

12 thoughts on “I Never Really Believed that God Loved Me

  1. Thank you! I love what you beautifully put into words! I have also experienced this way of learning of God’s care for me through my children. It makes sense because God created us and He created families. He has to teach us in so many ways. Can I share this with the couples in the childbirth classes I teach?

  2. This is sooo precious, Kola! I’m impressed and thankful that you wrote this post. The truth is that we constantly battle these thoughts daily. And the beauty of God’s truth is that He reminds us of His love through several ways…even through the mundane happenings in life :)

  3. You can imagine if we humam beings can care for our children this way …how much more our Heavenly Father?
    Mat 7:11 If you then though you are evil know how to give good gifts to your children,how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!…..

  4. wow! Is it possible for you to make a video about the choice to give birth despite all your selfishness? It’s an idea that I struggle with

    1. I’d love to! Can you email me with a little more detail about the struggle you have with this? That way I can make sure I share the parts of my experience that are most relevant to you. You can reach me via my contact page. I look forward to your email xo

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